Prefer to listen? In this episode of Lessons for Life With Gramma Kate, I break down six types of narcissism, the hidden warning signs, and five practical ways to protect yourself when leaving the relationship isn't an option.

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What Is a Narcissist?

Narcissism is a way of thinking, feeling, and behaving that shapes how someone sees themselves and treats others in their relationships. For example, a narcissist will most likely respond to criticism by becoming defensive and deflecting, blaming someone else (often the family scapegoat), or withdrawing and giving someone the silent treatment.

They may use manipulation or gaslighting to control a situation instead of taking responsibility for their behaviour. These patterns can serve to protect the narcissist from deep insecurities about themselves, particularly feelings of shame, rejection, or not being good enough.

Narcissism can range from mild narcissistic traits to much more harmful patterns of behaviour. And that's an important distinction. We can all be selfish, defensive, or want recognition sometimes. So, having a few narcissistic traits doesn't automatically make someone a narcissist. But it does become harmful when these behaviours repeat consistently, especially when they come at others' expense.

3 Common Traits of Narcissism

1. A Constant Need for Admiration

They need other people to see them as special, impressive, or good.

2. Entitlement

They see rules as for other people, not them. Their needs come first, and they feel justified doing things they'd criticize in someone else.

3. Difficulty Accepting Criticism or Responsibility

When they're criticized or embarrassed, they rarely own it. They deny it, or turn things around so they're the victim.

Why Narcissism Can Be So Hard to Recognize

If these traits were always obvious, narcissism would be easy to recognize. But often it isn't, because many narcissists are very charming. They can be friendly and caring in public, and completely different behind closed doors.

So when you try to explain what's happening, people may not believe you. They've only seen the charm. They don't see what happens when nobody else is around.

And whether or not the person is aware of what they're doing, the impact on you is very real.

The 6 Different Types of Narcissism

In her book It's Not You, psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula discusses six different types of narcissistic patterns rather than six separate clinical diagnoses.

The core traits of narcissism are similar across all six, but each has different nuances that set them apart.

It's important to understand that a narcissistic person doesn't necessarily fit into just one of these six types. They may show behaviours from two or more types. I can think of several people over my lifetime who check boxes in more than one of these types.

1. The Grandiose Narcissist

The grandiose narcissist is the type most people picture when they hear the word narcissist. Think of Gaston from Disney's Beauty and the Beast. He's arrogant, loves attention, constantly brags about himself, and believes he's better than everyone else.

When things are going their way, grandiose narcissists can be charming, exciting, and wonderful to be around. But when something goes wrong, or they don't get what they want, their behaviour can change quickly. They become angry, lash out, or blame you for their disappointment.

Underneath that confidence is often deep insecurity and a feeling of not being good enough. Their exaggerated sense of importance helps protect them from those feelings.

Warning sign: Repeated emotional ups and downs in the relationship. Those ups and downs often depend on whether they're getting the attention and admiration they believe they deserve. One day, everything is wonderful; the next, you're being blamed for something that went wrong. You never quite know which version of the person you'll get, leaving you confused, emotionally exhausted, and constantly wondering what changed.

2. The Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissist

The vulnerable narcissist, also called a covert narcissist, can be anxious, socially awkward, moody, irritable, angry, and resentful. They tend to see themselves as the victim, believing life is unfair and that others don't recognize how special or talented they are.

Sometimes, it's hidden behind a polished exterior. Think of Don Draper, the main character from the television series Mad Men. On the outside, he's charming, confident, and successful, but underneath, he struggles with deep insecurity and shame.

Unlike the grandiose narcissist, who openly brags about their accomplishments, the vulnerable narcissist believes they deserve success and recognition but blames other people or circumstances when they don't get it. For example, if you're successful, they'll say you were lucky. But if they're unsuccessful, it's because life has been unfair to them.

They're also extremely sensitive to criticism, rejection, or abandonment. When you're enjoying yourself, spending time with others, or achieving something, they can become critical, mocking, or argumentative, leaving you feeling as though you've done something wrong.

Over time, you may start downplaying your accomplishments, keeping good news to yourself, or feeling guilty for being happy. Think about that. You've started changing your behaviour to avoid someone else's resentment.

Warning sign: A repeated pattern of blaming others for their problems, resenting other people's success, and believing they're always being treated unfairly.

3. The Communal Narcissist

The communal narcissist gets admiration and validation from being seen as generous, caring, and helpful. Think of Tahani Al-Jamil, played by Jameela Jamil in the television comedy The Good Place. She's a wealthy socialite who loves talking about her charity work, fundraising, and all the important people she knows.

Unlike other narcissists who want recognition for their success, looks, or intelligence, the communal narcissist wants everyone to see how much good they do for others.

They volunteer, raise money for charities, organize fundraisers, help neighbours, or participate in humanitarian work. Their generosity makes them look like an exceptionally good person, and they make sure everyone knows about it.

For example, they'll volunteer at a beach cleanup and then immediately post pictures on social media. They enjoy the praise and recognition they receive for their good deeds and can become angry or offended when they don't get the appreciation they believe they deserve.

And that's what makes communal narcissism so confusing. The person everyone else sees as kind and generous can be very different from the person you experience at home.

But remember, we're talking about a repeated pattern of behaviour, not someone who's simply excited to share something good they've done.



Warning sign: A constant need for praise and recognition, and how they react when they don't get it.

4. The Self-Righteous Narcissist

The self-righteous narcissist believes they know better than everyone else. They truly believe their opinions, values, work ethic, and way of living are superior to everyone else's. They're extremely judgmental, rigid in their thinking, and see things as either right or wrong, with little room in between.

Think of Miranda Priestly, played by Meryl Streep in the movie The Devil Wears Prada. She's a powerful fashion magazine editor who demands perfection, expects everyone to meet her impossible standards, and has little patience for mistakes or excuses.

Self-righteous narcissists look down on people who do things differently and may criticize or mock everything from someone's food choices and lifestyle to their relationships and careers. They expect others to follow their rules and beliefs without question. They have little patience for emotions, mistakes, or what they see as weakness.

Self-righteous narcissists often live very structured lives. They wake up at the same time every morning, follow a strict routine, eat the same meals, keep everything organized, and stick to an exact schedule. There's nothing wrong with having a routine. The problem is when they expect everyone around them to live the same way and criticize those who don't.

Warning sign: A repeated need to have everything done their way. They don't just believe their way is best. They expect everyone else to follow it, too. And when someone doesn't, they're met with criticism, judgment, or contempt.

5. The Neglectful Narcissist

The neglectful narcissist is emotionally detached and shows very little interest in other people, especially those closest to them. They lack empathy and often act as though they're too important to care about others' needs, feelings, or everyday concerns.

Think of Logan Roy, played by Brian Cox in the television drama Succession. He's a wealthy, powerful media company owner who provides his children with money and privilege but very little emotional warmth or affection. His children are constantly trying to earn his attention and approval, yet he keeps them at a distance.

Neglectful narcissists may seek attention, admiration, and recognition outside the home, particularly at work or in public, but show little interest in building a close relationship with their partner or family members.

When you try to talk to them, they barely respond. They don't ask about your day, show interest in what's happening in your life, or make much effort to connect.

Neglectful Narcissism vs. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

This can sound a lot like someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, and they can overlap. Both can struggle with emotional closeness and withdraw from relationships.

But here's an important difference. Someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style often pulls away because emotional closeness makes them uncomfortable. With neglectful narcissism, the emotional distance is part of a broader pattern of entitlement, lack of empathy, and disregard for other people's needs.

Warning sign: A repeated lack of interest in you and your life. They barely acknowledge you, show little interest in what you have to say, and make no effort to connect emotionally. You feel like a ghost in your own home, as though you don't even exist. And it can get to the point where you think, at least if we were fighting, they'd be talking to me.

And here's something worth asking yourself. Have you become so accustomed to being ignored that you've stopped expecting your partner or family member to show any interest in you? Because there's a difference between needing personal space and repeatedly treating someone as though they don't matter.

6. The Malignant Narcissist

The malignant narcissist is considered the most dangerous type of narcissist because their behaviour combines an exaggerated sense of importance with manipulation, cruelty, aggression, and a willingness to hurt or exploit other people.

Think of Dolores Umbridge, played by Imelda Staunton in the Harry Potter movies. She's the strict, seemingly respectable Hogwarts teacher who hides her cruelty behind a sweet voice, pink outfits, and an obsession with rules. She abuses her authority, humiliates students, and deliberately punishes anyone who challenges her. And she shows little remorse for the suffering she causes.

Malignant narcissists are bullies who use fear, intimidation, and control to get what they want. They see people in terms of what they can get from them, whether that's money, power, pleasure, or admiration. Their aggression can include verbal abuse, threats, and sometimes physical violence.

Underneath their need to dominate others is a deep sense of insecurity and not feeling good enough. When they feel threatened, rejected, or frustrated, their anger can explode, and they may seek revenge on anyone they believe has wronged them.

And they don't just get angry. They even take pleasure in seeing someone suffer. They deliberately try to hurt someone, spread lies, destroy their reputation, or turn other people against them.

For the family scapegoat, this can mean discovering that other family members have been told stories about you for years, stories you never even knew existed, let alone had the opportunity to defend yourself against.

Malignant narcissists are also extremely suspicious of other people. They believe others are plotting against them or trying to harm them, even when there's little reason to think so. And those suspicions can make their anger and aggression even worse.

Warning sign: A repeated pattern of manipulation, cruelty, and revenge. They use fear and intimidation to maintain power and control, with little regard for how their behaviour affects another person's needs, feelings, or safety.

It's About the Behaviour, Not the Label

This post is about recognizing patterns of narcissistic behaviour, not making a clinical diagnosis. And that's an important distinction.

Whether someone has been diagnosed, has never been assessed, or simply shows harmful narcissistic traits, your experience still matters.

You don't have to prove someone is a narcissist to recognize how their behaviour has affected you. It's not about the label. It's about the behaviour and the impact it's had on your life.

And if you've been the family scapegoat, understanding these different types of narcissism can be especially important. You may have spent years being blamed for problems you didn't create, having your reactions used against you, or being made to feel like you're the difficult one.

But here's where things need to change. Recognizing narcissistic behaviour won't protect you if you keep responding to it the same way you always have. Focus on what you can control, even when you can't leave the relationship.

What If You Can't Leave the Relationship? 5 Ways to Protect Yourself

Not everyone is in a position to leave a relationship with a narcissistic person. And sometimes, leaving isn't what you want to do. So how can you protect yourself emotionally?

1. Stop Defending and Over-Explaining

You don't have to justify every decision you make. The more you explain yourself to a narcissistic person, the more opportunities you give them to question your choices, criticize you, or twist your words.

You don't have to defend yourself against every accusation or get pulled into every argument. Sometimes, a simple response like "Okay" or "I understand" is enough. You can acknowledge what they've said without agreeing with them or giving up your right to make your own decisions.

2. Stop Making It About Them

Stop spending so much time trying to figure out why they behave the way they do or how to make them happy. Understanding their behaviour patterns matters because it helps you recognize what's happening and choose how to respond. But don't lose sight of yourself in the process. Start asking yourself what you need, how you're feeling, and what you can do differently.

If you've been in a relationship where you've started doubting your own judgment, listen to my podcast episode, How to Spot a Toxic Husband or Boyfriend and Start Trusting Yourself. I talk about emotional gaslighting, how it makes you question yourself, and what you can do to start trusting yourself again.

3. Stop the Self-Blame

When someone constantly blames you, criticizes you, or makes you feel like you're the problem, it's easy to start believing them. But you're not responsible for another person's choices or behaviour.

The next time you're blamed for something, ask yourself:

• What did I actually do?
• What am I being accused of?
• Am I taking responsibility for something that isn't mine?

Learn to separate what you're genuinely responsible for from what someone else is trying to put on you.

4. Stop Reacting (They're Looking for a Reaction)

A narcissistic person can provoke an emotional reaction. And when you finally get upset, they turn it around and use your reaction against you.

You don't have to respond to every insult, accusation, or attempt to start an argument. The next time they try to provoke you, pause before responding and ask yourself, "Do I really need to engage in this, or can I choose to walk away?"

5. Stop Calling Them Out

This one can be the hardest. Stop trying to get them to admit what they've done, take responsibility, or acknowledge how they've hurt you. Repeatedly confronting someone who refuses to take accountability can leave you frustrated and emotionally exhausted.

You can recognize their behaviour without having to convince them that they're doing it. Instead, write down what happened, talk it through with someone you trust, or go for a walk to release some of that frustration and anger. The goal is to stop spending your emotional energy trying to get an admission that never comes.

If at any time you are experiencing threats or physical violence, please reach out to a crisis line or someone you trust. Your safety comes first.

Conclusion: Recognizing the Patterns and Taking Back Control

Narcissism doesn't always look the way we expect. Understanding the different types can help you make sense of behaviours that may have left you feeling confused, hurt, or questioning yourself.

But understanding is only the first step. What matters is what you do with it.

You can't control how someone treats you, and you may not be able to leave the relationship. But you can start making decisions based on what's best for you.



You don't have to keep defending yourself against accusations, accepting responsibility for someone else's behaviour, or trying to earn respect from someone who repeatedly refuses to give it. You can recognize the pattern, stop participating in the same arguments, and start making choices that protect your emotional well-being.

Remember…

See the Pattern.  Now What?

Choose to respond differently.

Warm regards,

Gramma Kate