How Putting Off Emotional Healing Is a Way of Self-Protection

Here's the challenge: most of us never learned how to heal emotionally. I know I didn't. I wanted to, but I very well couldn't turn to the people who caused some of the wounds in the first place. Instead, we learned how to cope, how to keep going, how to be strong, be reasonable, be the bigger person, and not make things more complicated than they already were.

So when something in a relationship hurts—when there's distance, tension, resentment, or that feeling that something just isn't quite right, our instinct isn't to lean in and explore it. Our instinct is to manage it. Oh, just stay busy. Push the issues down and tell ourselves we'll deal with it later, when things calm down, when we feel stronger, when life isn't so busy.

And many of us learned this early in life. We learned that emotions made other people uncomfortable and that asking questions caused conflict. If we said we were hurt by something, that led to defensiveness, dismissal, or being told we were overreacting. So we adapted by learning to read the room, keep the peace, and, most importantly, carry things quietly and do them well.

That's why putting off emotional healing feels so much safer than facing it. Not because you don't care. Not because you're in denial. But because somewhere along the way, dealing with our emotions didn't feel emotionally safe. Instead, we learned to survive and protect ourselves by being brave and putting on our armour.

And here's where it gets tricky. If you speak up, you risk being seen as difficult, sensitive, or "too much." But then, if you stay silent, you feel disconnected, unseen, and eventually, resentment builds. So, delaying becomes the middle ground. It becomes a way to protect yourself while still functioning.

But there is more: next comes self-judgment. Why can't I just deal with this? Why do I keep putting it off? Why does this feel so hard? The truth is, waiting isn't a weakness. It's wisdom. It's your nervous system saying, This doesn't feel safe yet. When you start thinking about having a conversation, you suddenly feel exhausted, get a tingling feeling throughout your body, or your mind goes blank because it is too much for you to handle. But then there comes a point in your life when you say to yourself, enough is enough.

The Moment I Decided "Enough Was Enough"

About three years ago, I was sitting at my dining room table, looking out the window, when a thought stopped me in my tracks. In a few months, I will turn 65. And suddenly, time felt very real. I remember thinking, I don't know how much time I have left, but I do know I don't want to die with regrets. From the outside, my life looked fine to my family and friends. But inside, I wasn't happy. I felt worn down. Small. Exhausted from carrying the same emotional weight I'd been carrying my whole life by constantly twisting myself like Gumby to please everyone else but myself.

I reached a point where I thought, enough is enough. Enough with being disrespected. Enough with being devalued. Enough with being treated in ways that left me doubting myself. I had spent over a decade in therapy—with good therapists—all trying to help me manage anxiety, suggesting coping strategies and support groups. After years and thousands of dollars later, I still felt sad, empty, and disconnected from myself. I knew there had to be a better way. That's when something shifted. I remembered the saying about insanity—doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And I realized I was repeating patterns I'd learned long ago.

So I decided to do things differently. If I always went left, I would try going right. Like when a family gathering was coming up. You know the ones that always leave you feeling small and emotionally exhausted. Well, I made a tough and bold decision. I didn't go.

And I kept doing things differently. Not just once or twice, but consistently. I set boundaries for myself. Not out loud, not with big announcements. Just quiet decisions about what I would and wouldn't do anymore. I stopped showing up to places where I knew I'd be made to feel small and came home beating myself up for not being good enough. And you know what? Each time, it got easier to look after my own emotions rather than worry about what other people thought.

The transformation? I felt less anxious and calmer.

But most importantly, more confident in myself. The confidence didn't come first. It came after I set those boundaries, after I stopped showing up to places where I'd be made to feel small. That's when my confidence really started to grow. And that confidence gave me the courage to start doing the things I'd been wanting to do for decades.

I launched my podcast in January 2024, thinking it might help others. And hopefully, it has. But it also became a way for me to heal. My podcast has helped me understand my childhood experiences and how they have shaped all my relationships. Through researching and talking about these topics week after week, I finally understood things I'd been carrying my whole life. Like, why did I always feel responsible for other people's emotions? Or why I could never quite trust my own version of events. And where all that people-pleasing came from.

So, as I move into 2026, at 68, I'm choosing to go even deeper, sharing what I wish I had known when I was sitting at my dining room table at 65, in the hope it helps others. This year, I am also doing things that scare the heck out of me, so I know I can. What I share here is meant to offer understanding, perspective, and guidance, and for sure, absolutely no judgment.

If you've ever wondered why healing feels delayed, why certain relationships keep hurting, or why you don't fully trust yourself yet, then you're in the right place. Now, I want to share five things I learned along the way—things that helped me understand what was actually happening and what to do about it. Not rules. Not steps. Just ways forward.

5 Shifts That Made Emotional Healing Possible

1. Delay has meaning—it isn't failure.

If you're putting something off, it doesn't automatically mean you're avoiding it or doing something wrong. Often, it means your nervous system isn't ready yet. Instead of asking, What's wrong with me? Try asking, What might putting this off be protecting me from? That question shifts you from self-judgment to self-understanding.

2. Emotional readiness matters more than timelines.

Healing doesn't follow calendars, birthdays, or New Year's resolutions. It happens when there's enough emotional safety, not when there's enough outside pressure. If you're telling yourself you should be further along by now, consider this: maybe you're exactly where you need to be for this moment.

3. Notice before you try to fix.

When we're not ready to heal yet, we don't need to force ourselves to take action. You don't have to journal, confront, or do anything yet. Just notice. What topics do you avoid thinking about? What conversations feel the hardest, even before they begin? And where do you feel it in your body? Maybe your jaw tightens. Maybe your knee aches. Or you feel tingling throughout your whole body. Noticing is the first step toward understanding.

4. Replace self-criticism with one honest sentence.

When self-judgment shows up, and you say to yourself, Why can't I just deal with this?, Try saying this to yourself instead: I'm not avoiding this. I'm just not ready yet. That one sentence removes shame and creates space for trust to rebuild.


5. Remember that self-protection is a season, not a life sentence.

Self-protection keeps us functioning until we have the tools, language, and support to do things differently, like going left instead of right. Self-protection isn't meant to protect you forever.

You are probably wondering then, if self-protection is a season, how do I know when it's time to move forward?

The answer isn't a date or a decision. It's not one of those big emotional breakthroughs or a sudden moment of oh, now I get it. Most of the time, readiness shows up quietly. It feels like you can sit with the thought for a moment without needing to stuff it down. It feels like having a little more energy, a little more clarity, or a little more space to think without your mind shutting down on you.

And if you don't feel that yet, that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It means your nervous system is still doing its job of protecting you. Healing doesn't begin when you force yourself to take action. It starts when you're finally ready to say, enough is enough.

How to Model This For Your Kids

And if you're raising kids, or hoping to break these patterns for the next generation, here's how you can model this:

Let them see you pause. When something feels hard or uncomfortable, let them know you need to think about this for a bit before you decide. This shows them that taking time isn't weakness—it's wisdom.

Normalize "I'm not ready yet." If your child is avoiding something—a difficult conversation, a scary situation, a big feeling—don't push them to "just deal with it." Instead, you can say, "You don't have to be ready right now. We can wait until it feels safer." But don't let it go forever; touch base with them to see where they are at.

Name your own boundaries simply. You don't need to justify or explain every choice. Sometimes it's enough to say, "I've decided I'm not going to do that anymore" or "That doesn't work for me." Your kids are watching how you protect your own peace.

When you model this, you're teaching your children something you may never have learned yourself: that their feelings matter, that their readiness matters, and that protecting themselves isn't something to apologize for.

Conclusion

So here's what I want you to remember from this episode. If you've been putting off dealing with something in a relationship—if there's a lack of connection you haven't addressed, tension you've been handling, or conversations you keep telling yourself you'll have "later"—that doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It doesn't mean you're failing, weak, or avoiding. It may mean you don't feel safe enough yet. And that's perfectly okay. It took me over 60 years.

Because healing doesn't start when you force yourself to be ready. It begins when you notice—maybe for the first time—that the reason you've been delaying isn't laziness or fear. It's self-protection. And that is huge, because that protection has kept you functioning your whole life.

You're not behind. You're not stuck. You're exactly where you need to be right now.

"Remember, change begins with ourselves.

Put your knowledge into action and reach your full potential ."

Wishing you heartfelt warmth 

Kate/Gramma Kate