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Why Is It So Hard to Prioritize Yourself?

If you grew up as the family scapegoat, you may have learned very early that your needs came second. Maybe keeping the peace was more important than saying what you wanted. Maybe you became the helpful one, the easy-to-get-along-with one, or the one who stayed small and quiet.

Over time, you stopped asking, “What do I need?” and automatically started asking, “What does everyone else need from me?”

Those early lessons don't necessarily disappear when you grow up. They can show up in the way you think about your own needs, how you respond when other people are disappointed, and even how you talk yourself out of prioritizing yourself.

1. You Learned That Having Needs Could Make You the Problem

When you grow up being blamed, criticized, or made to feel that your needs are inconvenient, you learn to adjust.

You become good at reading the room. You think about how your decisions will affect everyone else. You may even try to anticipate what other people need before they ask. But there is a cost to all that.

You start believing that considering your own needs is selfish. So when you finally say, “This doesn't work for me,” or “I don't want to do that,” it feels like you're doing something wrong.

2. When You Start Prioritizing Your Needs, Other People May Push Back

Family roles work because everyone becomes accustomed to playing their part.

If you've always been the one who gives in, says yes, or takes the blame, people may not like it when you start doing something different. You may hear things like, “You've changed,” “You're being selfish,” or “Why are you making such a big deal about this?”

When you've spent years questioning yourself, someone else's disappointment can quickly feel like proof that you're wrong. But someone being disappointed with your decision doesn't automatically mean you've made the wrong decision.

Sometimes it simply means you're no longer doing what they've come to expect from you.

3. Eventually, You May Not Need Anyone Else to Make You Feel Guilty

Sometimes nobody has to criticize you anymore. You do it yourself.

You start asking:

Am I being selfish?

What if they're upset with me?

Should I just say yes?

Maybe I'm making too much of this.

Wouldn't it be easier if I just did what they wanted?

Before you know it, you're putting someone else's needs ahead of your own, and they haven't even asked you to.

That's how deeply ingrained people-pleasing can become when you've grown up in the family scapegoat role.

But there is an important distinction here: Prioritizing yourself doesn't mean always putting yourself first.

There will be times when someone you love needs you. There will be times when you compromise. There will be times when you choose to do something for someone else even when it isn't particularly convenient for you.

The difference is that your needs get a seat at the table too. Instead of automatically asking, “What does everyone else need from me?” you begin asking, “What do they need, what do I need, and is there a way to respect both?”

That is something I am still learning.

My People-Pleasing Pattern Started Early

I've been a people pleaser my whole life. I was taught early to look after other people's needs before my own, especially my mother's. Growing up, if I asked for help or needed something, my mom often made it clear that I had to do something for her in return. I can still hear her voice: “And what are you going to do for me?”

When I got married, my people-pleasing skills just got stronger. Now I had a husband and children whose needs I could put before my own. I found work relationships were no different.

Over the past few years, I've been working hard at finding a better balance between prioritizing my own needs and caring about the needs of the people I love. But this past week, I caught myself falling right back into that old pattern.

For the past six years, I've done accounting work for the same movie producer. This September will be my fourth movie with him and the same line producer. The problem is, my life is different now. I'm busy building my own business, and when I was asked to do another movie, I wasn't sure how I'd fit it into my already full schedule. Part of me really wanted to say no. But I couldn't do it. Instead, I found myself trying to say no in passive ways. I hoped they would somehow realize how busy I was and decide they didn't need me. Why? Because I didn't want to disappoint them.

Then one morning, while I was writing out my philosophy for living, something hit me. I write this philosophy every morning. I write about prioritizing my needs. I write about not falling back into people-pleasing. I write about living according to what matters to me. And I thought, how can I write this every morning and then not live by it? That changed the way I looked at the situation.

Prioritizing myself didn't have to mean refusing to do the movie. And it didn't have to mean putting everyone else's needs ahead of mine either. So, I emailed the producer and worked out an arrangement that would work for both of us. It was a win-win. More importantly, I didn't abandon myself just because I was afraid of disappointing someone else.



Prioritizing yourself doesn't always mean choosing yourself instead of someone else. Sometimes it means finally including yourself in the decision.

5 Ways to Respond Differently and Start Prioritizing Yourself

So, if you recognize yourself in any of this, how do you start doing something different?

Here are five things I am learning about prioritizing myself after a lifetime of people-pleasing.

1. Notice When Your Automatic Yes Kicks In

For many of us, saying yes happens without us even thinking we have a choice. Someone asks for something, and our minds automatically go to: How can I make this work? How can I help? What will they think if I say no? That is old conditioning.

To respond differently, before you answer, notice what you are thinking. Are you saying yes because you genuinely want to? Or are you saying yes because you are afraid of disappointing someone?

You don't have to change your answer immediately. Start by noticing why you're saying yes.

2. Ask Yourself What You Need Before You Respond

If you have spent years thinking about everyone else's needs, thinking about your own needs can feel surprisingly difficult.

To respond differently, before you make a decision, stop and ask yourself one simple question: What do I need right now?

Maybe you need more time to give your answer. Maybe you need different arrangements. Maybe you need to say no altogether.

Your needs don't automatically have to come before everyone else's, but they shouldn't automatically come last either.

Give yourself time to consider them before you respond.

3. Give Yourself Permission to Disappoint Someone

This one can be especially difficult when you grew up as the family scapegoat.

When you grew up being blamed, someone being unhappy with you can bring back that familiar feeling that you must have done something wrong. But disappointment is part of being in healthy relationships. Sometimes people won't like your decisions. They may wish you had said yes. They may not understand why something matters to you.

You don't have to fix every uncomfortable feeling someone else has about a decision you make.

To respond differently, ask yourself: Did I do something wrong, or is this person simply disappointed because I made a choice that works for me? Those are two very different things.

4. Look for a Solution Without Abandoning Yourself

Prioritizing yourself doesn't mean every answer has to be no.

Sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes the answer is yes. And sometimes the answer is: “Yes, but this is what I need for it to work for me.” That's what I realized with the movie.

I didn't have to choose between doing the movie exactly as I had before and refusing to do it altogether. I could talk to the producer about what I needed and see if we could find an arrangement that worked for both of us. We did.

That's the balance I am trying to create in my own life. I can care about other people's needs without abandoning my own.

5. Let Your Choices Match the Person You're Becoming

This may be the biggest lesson for me.

Every morning, I write out my philosophy for how I want to live my life. But writing down what matters to me isn't enough. Eventually, I have to live it. If I say I want to prioritize my needs, then there will be moments when I have to make a different choice, even when the old choice feels familiar. That is how I build self-trust. Not by getting every decision right. Not by never people-pleasing again. But by catching myself when I fall back into an old pattern and responding differently when I can.

You don't have to suddenly become someone who always puts yourself first. You can start much smaller than that.

Notice the pattern. Ask what you need. And make one choice that includes you.

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How to Teach Kids That Their Needs Matter Too

If you are a parent or caregiver, one of the best ways to teach children to prioritize themselves is to let them know that their needs matter.

Give them opportunities to have a voice in age-appropriate decisions. Ask questions like, “What do you need right now?” or “What would work for you?” Then listen to their answer, even when you can't give them exactly what they want.

You can also model this in your own life. Let your children see you say, “I need a few minutes to think about that,” “That doesn't work for me,” or “Let's find something that works for both of us.” This teaches them that healthy relationships aren't about one person always giving in. We can care about other people's needs while also respecting our own.

The goal isn't to teach children to always put themselves first. It's to teach them something many of us didn't learn growing up: Your needs matter, other people's needs matter, and healthy relationships make room for both.

Conclusion: Prioritizing Yourself May Feel Uncomfortable at First

If you grew up as the family scapegoat, prioritizing yourself won't feel natural right away.

You spent years learning that your needs came second. That old conditioning doesn't disappear just because you finally understand where it came from. You'll still catch yourself trying to say no without actually saying no. You'll still wonder if you're being selfish. You'll still feel the pull to make yourself small to keep everyone else comfortable. But like I said about the movie, prioritizing yourself doesn't mean choosing yourself over everyone else. It means finally including yourself in the decision.

Notice your automatic yes. Ask what you need. Give yourself permission to disappoint someone. Look for the solution that doesn't abandon you. And let your choices match the person you're becoming, one small moment at a time.

You don't have to get this right every time. I don't either. This past week proved that to me all over again. You just have to keep catching yourself and responding differently when you can.

Because your needs don't have to come first every time. But they deserve a seat at the table too.

Remember…

See the Pattern. 

Now What?

Choose to respond differently.

Wishing you heartfelt warmth 

Gramma Kate